


Guilt

by Neonfurr



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Loves Magnus Bane, F/M, Good Parent Luke Garroway, Hurt Alec, Hurt Magnus Bane, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-07-10 13:03:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 19,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15949910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neonfurr/pseuds/Neonfurr
Summary: At one of Magnus' parties, Alec is approached by two kind looking men. They enjoy a beer and conversation, and manage to lure Alec back to their house, where they rape him.After they are done with him, they portal him back to Magnus' loft for his boyfriend to find, which he does, and assumes he cheated based on the marks on him neck.Alec doesn't deny it, and Magnus breaks up with him, so before going back to the institute, he goes to the docks near the jade wolf where he knows he can't be tracked. Luke finds him there and does his best to help.But Alec's pretty broken.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first non con fic so the actual details of the rape (chapter 2) are pretty terrible. Sorry!!
> 
> Please leave constructive criticism! I appreciate all the advice!!
> 
> Be prepared for many mistakes!! Please point them out if you see them.

Alec never wanted to go to this party. He would've been content to sit on the couch, reading a good novel, maybe have chairman meow curled up by his feet. But no, a certain sparkly warlock had convinced him this party was very much needed. Alec had said he had no problem with Magnus hosting a party, as long as he could escape to the institute before the people arrived. But of course, Magnus insisted that he needed his "beautiful blue-eyed arm candy" with him. Alec had refused again and again, but Magnus had pleaded, promised the party would be short, and that if he wanted to leave half way through he'd come up with an amazingly unbelievable excuse for him. Eventually, Alec had agreed, he couldn't have his boyfriend pouty, he just didn't have it in him.

That was how he found himself standing near the kitchen counter, sipping a bear, trying to remember where he put the painkillers for his hangover in the morning, granted he was only on his first drink, but if people kept asking him questions about Magnus, he was gonna need vodka. Sighing melodramatically, he scanned over everyone in the party. He could see a group of vampires in the corner, he immediately recognised them from Raphael's clan, having had to recite the accords for them on numerous occasions. He turned to his left and saw a few seelies, all with dyed bright hair, mingling with a few warlocks he knew through Magnus. There had to have been 30 warlocks here, easily, but he only knew a small fraction. He obviously knew Catarina, he had been introduced to quite a few of his boyfriend's close friends, and still remembers the shovel talk she gave him. He explicitly remembers a threat involving the "removal and rearranging of his dear organs" if he hurt Magnus in any way, shape or form. He saw a warlock he remembers from one of the pictures in Magnus' room, and was tempted to try start a conversation with them, Magnus having gone to mingle around 20 minutes ago. "My reputation as a great host didn't carve itself, my dear Alexander." Taking another sip of his beer, he moved to the balcony, knowing no one would be there. People just annoyed him. Call him antisocial, but he couldn't deal with anyone else for at least an hour.

The view from the balcony was undoubtedly amazing, something he knew he would never tire of. The way he could hear the city without being in it was something that appealed to him, the thought that mundanes were running around below him, not knowing what was in the building they were obliviously walking past, the idea brought a small grin to his face. He can remember being 15, glamoured, walking through the streets at New York yelling, unleashing all his anger at people who couldn't see or hear him. He would tell for hours, over everything that was annoying him, his overbearing parents, his crush on Jace, anything. He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't notice a man walking out onto the balcony.  
"Not the partying type?" A deep voice asked. Alec spun around so quickly he feared he got whiplash. Fists raised in a defensive position, he quickly moved his eyes to assess the threat. When he saw it was just one man, with no visible weapons, he forced his body to relax again. The only reaction he got to his jumpiness was a quirked eyebrow.  
"Sorry mate, didn't mean to make you jump." He said in what Alec could only deam an earnest tone.  
"It's fine, really, I guess I'm just on edge, no harm done." He ammended quickly. An outstretched hand caught his attention, and only after a few seconds did he realise it was from the man standing opposite him, and that he needed to shake it. He reached out and took the hand in a firm grip.  
"Daniel Miller, pleasure."  
Alec decided the easiest way out of this situation was to be polite, make minimal small talk, then excuse himself under the pretence of needing the bathroom.  
"Alec lightwood." He responded.  
"Ah, head of the New York institute, I must tell you your work is greatly appreciated." He replied, his voice still smooth and confident. Alec guessed his confidence came from his looks, his brown hair was slicked back with a small quif, perfectly fitting his slim face, his eyes were a warm brown, reminding him of the hot chocolate Magnus always conjured up for them when he or someone he knew was unwell. His style seemed pretty laid back, a plain light grey t-shirt and faded black jeans. Alec realised what Daniel had told him and immediately he felt his face heat up. Despite all the compliments he received from magnus, usually when they were in bed, he had got no better at recieving them from strangers.  
"I-uh thanks. You, I mean, thankyou." He stuttered out, mentally facepalming.  
"Who's this Danny? Thought you went to get drinks?" A man behind him spoke. He looked to be about 20, with light platinum hair and cornflower blue eyes. His hair was cut alot shorter, cropped neatly with one side shaved, the rest of his fringe falling haphazardly to one side of his face.  
"Ah sorry about that, Tez, I saw this kid out here and wanted to make sure he was okay," Daniel gestured towards Alec, who lifted his hand in greeting.  
"No harm, no foul. Nice to meet you...?" He let his sentence trail of, waiting for this beautiful stranger to tell them his name.  
"Alec." He finished.  
"Lightwood?" Tez asked. Alec nodded his head and sent him a curious look. Picking up on it immediately, he said, "Magnus never stops talking about his wonderful, Shadowhunter boyfriend."  
"Wait, your Magnus' Bane's boyfriend?" Daniel asked, lighting up at the realisation. Oh, he thought, this is going to be so much more fun.

Alec's face heated up again.  
"Oh-um yea. That's yes. That's me, I mean, yes I'm Magnus' boyfriend." He said brokenly, earning himself another mental slap. He needed to get himself in check.  
"Well, do you want some company out here?" Tez asked. Alec really wanted to say no, but so far these two party goers had been nothing if not polite.  
"Sure, let me go find some chairs." Alec said, about to walk back into the loft to get some plastic chairs from the crowded living room, when Daniel raised his hands and with a swish of his fingers three comfy chairs were placed in a semicircular pattern with a small square table at the side. Tez sensed the following question so he turned back to Alec and simply said, "we're warlocks"  
Alec nodded with understanding and took a seat with the two men.

The next few hours past so quickly Alec was sure they had only been speaking for minutes. He good on strangely well with the warlocks. He found Daniel was quite like him, he enjoyed helping people who needed it, he loved taking care of his friends children, like how Alec enjoyed looking after Madzie, and he loved history. Call him a nerd, Izzy had many times, but Alec enjoyed learning mundane history in his spare time, and it seemed Daniel did to. They were discussing the lost colony of Roanoke when Tez suddenly said, "Oh, sorry to interrupt Alec, I was just thinking, I haven't seen Magnus in a few years, duty in Texas, and I don't even know when his birthday is, but I got him something, nothing much, it's just..." Tez trailed of. He knew how to play this game like how a gambler can play poker.  
"What is it?" Alec asked, "If it's anything I can help with, please tell me."  
Perfect, Daniel thought, he would let Tez take the lead here.  
"Well, it's just I don't know if he'll like it." He finished with a small frown. He looked genuinely sad.  
"Wait Alec that's perfect! Can you take a look and tell me if you think he'll like ot. I just want to find a good way to thank him, you know? It's ok if you can't, obviously, I totally get it. You know what? Forget it."  
"No, no. It's fine, I don't mind honestly. It's the least I can do after you kept me company." Alec assured him. He stood up and finished his beer.  
"Ok, it's back at the apartment we share," Tez motioned towards Daniel, who was pulling on the jacket he had laid on the side of the chair. Alec hesitated for a moment, before nodding mutely. He wasn't really thrilled at the prospect of going to someone else's house, but these people had been nice, more nice than 80% of the Shadowhunters at the institute.

The both led the way out of the apartment, Alec glanced around at the ongoing party, wondering if he should tell Magnus where he was going. Magnus was probably busy, he reasoned to himself, after all, it was a fairly huge party. Deciding he would just see his boyfriend later, he followed the two men out of the loft and down the stairs. When they reached the bustling streets, Daniel hailed a cab. They all squashed into the backseat and Tez gave the driver the address. Alec decided to carry on the earlier conversation he was engaged in until they arrived. For then minutes he debated the causes of the colony's fail with Daniel, Tez interrupting with a few funny snide comments, much to Alec's amusement. When the cab stopped, they all climbed out. Alec followed the two warlocks into an apartment building, climbing the stairs behind them until the reached the third floor. They opened the door labelled 21B and ushered Alec inside. Taking a moment to admire the apartment, he walked into the main room. What surprised him most was how sparsely decorated the area was, there was a TV and couch, but other than that no personal artifacts.  
"My room is just down the hall, I left it in there earlier, come with me, I think Danny's making some drinks." Tez told him, his blond hair flopping to the side with the elaborate arm gesture. Alec hadn't even known Daniel wasn't in sight, which scared him, he was a Shadowhunter and should be aware of all his surroundings at all times.

Despite his best instincts, he followed Tez into the room at the far end of the corridor. When he entered, he was once again struck by how bare the room was, containing only a bed and some draws, no lamps or clothes. Getting ready to ask where the gift they got for Magnus' was, he walked forward slightly, only to feel a stinging pressure at the base of his neck. He whites around to see what was behind him, only to have his legs desert him and his vision darken. Slowly, he fell down onto his knees, looking for something to grab onto to steady his rapidly failing limbs, but there was nothing in his narrowing sight that he thought he could use. Admitting defeat, his body collapsed forward, and his entire world went black.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets raped by Daniel. My poor baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Horribly late, do forgive me!!
> 
> WARNING! EXPLICIT CONTENT!!! IF YOU WISH TO SKIP ALL THIS I WILL LEAVE A NOTE AT THE BEGINING OF NEXT CHAPTER WITH ANYTHING IMPORTANT!!!
> 
> OH STILL CAPS...
> 
> constructive criticism appreciated!! There's probably many mistakes, sorry DX

Alec groaned as he tried to open his eyes. His head was throbbing painfully, and all his limbs felt like they had weights tied to them. He tried to open his eyes again, only to be blinded by the light that struck his vision, he blinks rapidly in an attempt to help his eyes adjust. Objects were starting to come into focus now. He could just about make out the white expanse underneath him, and a brown-ish colour when he raised his head slightly. Shutting his eyes again, he forced himself to think. What had happened? The last thing he remembered was... What was it? He tried to think back, only to find he couldn't. Panic began to settle in his chest, perching right in his ribs and causing much more discomfort. He also sighed with relief when he opened his eyes and found everything in focus. He was in a bare room, lying down on a bed. He tried to move his hands to rub at his head, wanting to stop the harsh pounding lurking there, only to find his arms where restrained slightly above him. Glancing back, he saw they were hovering near the headboard, nothing on them. When he tried to move them again he grew more irritated, muttering a "what the hell?" To himself. He was about to call out for help, or demand an explanation when he remembered where he was. Two men, he thought, Party. Drinks. Roanoke. Cab. Neck. His eyes widened with the realisation that he had been drugged, he remembered a pin prick on his neck before everything went black. He was with two people, but who were they. The names floated to the forefront of his minds and it took all his efforts not to scream. Daniel and Tez. He began thrashing around a little more, still utterly confused at the situation, all he knew was he didn't like that he couldn't move his arms. When his attempts proved futile, he called out.  
"Hello? Hello? Is anyone there? Please guys, what's going on?" He yelled as loud as he could, and thought it had been useless, until the door on the other side of the room burst open. Alec flinched at the harsh sound it made. He saw Daniel and Tez walk into the room, both grinning in a way he had ever only seen on a demon. He was about to ask what the actual hell was happening, when Daniel walked forward, leaning in close to his face.  
"You're awake quicker than I thought. Oh well, I was getting impatient anyway" he said in a tone so sickly sweet Alec thought he was going to puke.  
"Ok-i don't know what's going on, but can you please take my arms down?" He asked. Why the heck had they tied him up? Alec wanted answers and he wanted them soon, his mind began pounding harder when Daniel leaned in even closer, his face only a few centimetres from Alec's and whispered,  
"Now why would I do that when you look so amazing stretched out?" His tone was what scared Alec, it was low and smooth, but not in a calming way, more in a, I know exactly what I'm doing way.  
"If only Magnus could see you now." Daniel sneered. The mention of his lover caused anger to surge through him, making him pull his wrists up harder, lifting his body off the mattress in the process. He looked over to Tez, who had a creepy smile on his face, his eyes looked weird to Alec, they were blown wide, and only when Alec's eyes traveled to look at where his hands were did be see why. The man was palming himself while watching the interaction. Alec immediately wanted to disperse all the food currently resting in his stomach but he thought better than it.  
"Now here's what's gonna happen Shadowhunter. You're gonna lie and do exactly as I tell you, if not, this is going to be far more painful than necessary. Do you understand me?" Daniel said to him. Alec was outright terrified now, pieces of the puzzle clicking together in his brain. He'd been drugged, tied to a bed, with a guy a few centimetres from him while his friend watched. Shit, his mind supplied. Shit, shit, shit, shit!

The panic that had been rendered dormant by his curiosity suddenly came back full force. He tried to move his body as far away as possible, bit he only managed a few centimetres, the immobilisation of his arms making him struggle.  
"It's ok," Daniel said, his tone dripping with fake sincerity, " you'll enjoy it."  
Daniel didn't notice his friend moving across the room, but he didn't care, right now he had a tied up Shadowhunter he more than intended to have his wicked way with. Tez had moved from standing up to sitting down in a small plastic chair at the bottom of the bed, still slowly palming himself. Daniel reached a calloused hand across to wipe a fallen strand of hair out of Alec's face. As soon as the hand started to move Alec kicked into action, trashing as much as possible, kicking his legs and whimpering. His struggles once again proved useless as the hand didn't stop there, it trailed down Alec's face, onto his neck and through the dip of his collarbone. Without warning, Daniel bit down roughly on the junction, Alec bit his lip hard to prevent crying out at the stab of pain. This just seemed to make Daniel work harder, he climbed onto the bed and straddled Alec, putting more weight that necessary on Alec's hips. Alec pulled he head back as far as it would go, which wasn't far enough as seconds later Daniels lips were over his, completely covering them. Whereas kisses with Magnus were slow and sweet, warm and comforting, this one was fast and hard, cold and demanding. Alec kept his lips tightly sealed, refusing to grant the man's tongue entry. His head was forced against the headboard when Daniel pushed further forward. All Alec could think about was Magnus, how much he wanted him here right now. How he wished he could just hear his voice, in the gracefully fluid tone that always kept Alec grounded. He should never have left that party. He shouldn't have come to their home. GOD DAMNIT! he was suppose to be a Shadowhunter! Before he could carry on berating himself in his mind a rough hand grabbed at his hair and tugged it back, hard, causing Alec to let out a small gasp. He realised his mistake too late, and felt a warm muscle enter his mouth. He jammed his eyes shut as quickly as possible, and before he could think better of it he bit down. Hard. Recoiling immediately, Daniel let out a gruff "Fuck!". New found anger pushed him forward, jumping back on Alec and, not wasting any time, started to let his hands roam the Shadowhunter underneath him. He pushed his hand roughly under his top, gliding along Alec's well defined muscles.  
"Get off me!" Alec said, he meant for it to come out angry, because boy was he pissed, but it faltered at the end when he felt a finger grip at his nipple painfully tight. His face contorted on pain and for the second time he bit his bottom lip harshly. He was about to start squirming again when a moan came from the other side of the room.

Alec looked to where the sound was, and realised the sound came from Tez. How the hell had Alec forgot about him! He was still palming himself, albeit quicker. Daniel looked up and saw his friend waiting. Deciding to hurry things along, he snapped his fingers. Alec felt a cool wave wash over his body, he looked down only to realise he was left completely naked. Heat began to pour into his cheeks as Daniel eyed him up and down, licking his lips at the meal Infront of him. Another click of the fingers and he had a small bottle of lube on his hand. He grinned to himself when a genius idea came to him.  
"I'd say it only takes 3 or 4 minutes to prepare someone well enough. Everytime you speak, I'll take a minute off that time. So please, i encourage you, talk all you want. It'll only make this hurt more."  
Alec let that sink in. He really had no idea what to do. Daniel leant back over him, placing half his weight over him, holding himself up with one arm near Alec's head.  
"Well? Talk to me. I think you want this. We all know you're nothing more than Magnus' bitch. I bet you don't even mind. Is this one of your fantasys? You'd like it if Magnus was doing this, wouldn't you, I'll tell you what. Squint really hard, and I might just look like him."  
"No, you're nothing like..." Alec really wished his arms were free so he could so he could slap his arms over his face. Bloody hell, he fell for it.  
"3 minutes Shadowhunter."  
Alec closed his eyes. Ok, his mind supplied unhelpfully, this is really happening. Daniel smirked when the Shadowhunter opened his eyes again, Alec wanted nothing more to bitch slap him, wipe the smirk of his face indefinitely. 

Tez watched as Daniel reached his hand down in-between their bodies, gripping Alec's manhood tightly. Too tightly. Alec let out a hiss of pain, making Tez work himself faster.  
"Did you think I was lying when I said you'd enjoy this? No. I'm gonna make you come tonight, Shadowhunter. I promise you." Alec was positively horrified at that, the only person who would get him hard is Magnus. The only person he would want was Magnus. Daniels hand loosened up slightly, beginning to rub up and down Alec's shaft. He grinned like a maniac when he felt the boy under him start to harden. Alec turned his head away, not wanting to look at the man. Daniel kept working him until Alec was fully hard, loving the pitiful whimper that came from the Shadowhunters lips. He was really doing his dam best to stay silent, and would've kept that up, if Daniel hadn't shoved an unlubed finger inside him. Alec let out a pained groan at that, the intrusion much more painful and uncomfortable than he would've imagined. Daniel kept his hand on Alec's manhood, constantly tugging to make sure he was still hard.  
"Please-ple... Stop. Please just stop." Alec panted out. He had wanted to stay completely silent, just to spite the man, but he knew he was hard, and he thought the pain from a rough shove inside him would be enough to dull it down.  
"One minute Shadowhunter, if you beg I might even use some lube." Daniel said, his voice hoarse. Alec felt like he was literally torn. He absolutely didn't want to beg this man for anything, especially in this current situation, but the little preparation was gonna hurt like hell. Screw it. Pain was better than begging, he wouldn't loose that layer of dignity, so, in a sign of defiance, he tilted his chin up and pulled his head to his left. Daniels only response was a small laugh, if out of context, one might assume he was laughing at a game of poker. Alec was slightly saddened by the sob of relief that escaped him when the finger left him. The relief was only temporary though, as Daniel lined himself up and thrust into Alec in one move. Alec screamed so loud he thought he felt his throat snap. Ok, his mind supplied, maybe I should've begged.

Alec had been injured many times before, greater demons hurt like hell, he knew, he'd had his bones broke multiple times, thanks Jace, and had suffered his fair amount of internal bleeds. But none of that even came close to comparing to the pain he felt now. It felt like his entire body had been ripped in two, like every nerve ending his body had had been set on fire, ran over, spat on, chucked of a cliff and been stomped on. Tears started to pool at the corner of his eyes, and his vision blurred as a result. At least he didn't have to see Daniel. His attacker pulled himself out slowly, causing Alec to scream out in pain again, even thought is trailed off into a whimper at the end. Daniel gave him no time to adjust, he set a brutal pace and was slamming into Alec quickly. Alec was sure it was going to be pain filled until the end, he expected it, what he didn't expect was for Daniel to slam straight into his prostate, causing a wave of pleasure to roll over him, involuntarily making him moan out.  
"See, you do like it. You slut. Magnus is never gonna want you after this. After he finds out you enjoyed it, after he finds out I had you moaning underneath me."  
He quickened his pace on Alec's hand, which, to Alec's horror, was still hard. In a way, Alec was lucky he didn't have time to process that fact, he would no doubt tear himself up over it.  
A loud and drawn out moan came from the end of the bed, making Alec look up, the curiosity tingling at him. He really wished he hadn't. Tez had just came all over himself, most of the release on his hand. He grinned up at Alec when his post orgasmic haze faded, standing up at strutting over to the bed. Alec had no idea what to expect, the pain from Daniel was still there, by god it was, but he could manage that now. Tez lifted up two fingers and shoved them in Alec's mouth. At first Alec was utterly confused, until he tasted a salty substance on them, the realisation making him pull his head back and turn to spit.  
"Tez." Daniel grunted out, "Camera." He said. His movements had started to become more erratic, the fast rhythm breaking. Alec couldn't pay attention to what Tez was doing, too focused on the fact that the hand occupying his manhood was stroking faster and harder. Alec felt the pleasure increase, Daniels fingers dipping into his slit.  
"Please... I please... Don't just DON'T." Alec whined. It was too late though, Daniel came with a cacophony of groans inside him. He lay boneless over Alec, waiting for a few moments to bask in the bliss of everything. When he came back to his senses, he looked up at Alec, tempted to scoff at the appalled face he was wearing, until he realised something. He had yet to make the Shadowhunter come. He worked his hand with renewed effort.  
Alec couldn't help it, he came about ten seconds later, feeling absolutely disgusted with himself. What was worse was that he moaned loudly when it happened. He let his head fall back and eyes close. He wanted this to be over. He wanted the dark to come and take it all away. And the darkness answered his call, coming to mercifully guide him away. The last thing he heard where the clicks of a camera before his world faded black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus finds out the truth... Well some of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is terrible and I'm sooo sorry. Please tell me how I can improve this, I'll go back and edit it. Sorry for any mistakes and as always constructive criticism appreciated!!

Alec had never experienced a hangover. He was actually quite proud of that, how many people who are over the '16-and-gotta-try-everything-pass-the-cocaine' phase can claim that in all honesty. Not many, he was sure. He normally kept to two beers, maybe a glass of wine if he and Magnus went out. When he woke up, he thought that he must have the mother of all hangovers. Taking a mental inventory of his body, he checked which parts hurt most, as he had done on many occasions. Ok, he thought, head. That hurts like hell. Arms. Dead as weights. Chest. Wheezy. Thighs. Jeez what happened to them. He carried on, going over where he would place the iratzes when he opened his eyes. Man, what had happened last night? All he remembered was drinking a few beers... Was that common with a hangover? Memory loss. Finally deciding to bite the bullet, he opened his eyes. The first thing that struck him was that this wasn't the room he normally would find himself in. There were no canary yellow sheets, or elaborate wall paintings, nor were there plain white walls, or plain white fitted sheets. So he wasn't at the institute or at Magnus' loft. Then why did he recognize the room? With a sigh he hauled himself up, immediately regretting it. White hot pain flared up his back, causing him to fall back down with a shout. After composing himself, he tried again, this time much slower and careful. He made it up into a sitting position, thank the angel, and searched the room for his stele. He saw it at the end of the bed, and smiled slightly.

It took him a few minutes to apply enough iratzes so he could walk without wincing. He'd become an expert at hiding pain, which he was glad of now. During the time of applying healing runes, Alec realised he was in a spare bedroom at Magnus' loft, one which Izzy usually claimed. Funny, he thought, he must've been hammered. He was wearing normal sleeping attire, sweatpants and a black shirt. He took his time standing up, not wanting too much pain to flare up his spine. When he reached the end of the bed, he noticed something he had failed to earlier, there was an envelope left there. Curious, he picked it up and read the note, which only served to confuse him more. "Enjoy, Shadowhunter, we sure did. Don't feel bad, we have plenty of copies for ourselves." He tore the seal and reached inside, wondering what the heck it could be. When his fingers pulled out a plain white rectangle, he was even more stunned. The paper had a plastic texture to it, he guessed it was photography paper. He was about to shove them back in and ask Magnus, it was his loft after all, so it was probably his, when he tried turning them over.

Looking at the photo, he turned to the side and dry heaved, wishing to raziel he had something in his stomach to throw up. There were three photos altogether, the first showed Alec, his face contorted in a grimace, as someone hovered over him. The second was worse though, it showed Alec with a expression of bliss on his face, a man's hand wrapped around his manhood. The third made Alec cough up a bitter black substance, stomach acid, his mind supplied. The picture still showed Alec, but he was coming, a completely pleasured expression on his face.  
And just like that all the memories came back. Everything that had happened. Everything they had done. Everywhere they'd touched. Alec felt a shiver tremble through his body, leaning to the side and coughing up more stomach acid, the mixture burning his throat. His vision blurred, tears pooling and running down his cheeks. Every feeling of pain and humiliation came rushing back to him, the pressure so strong it almost made him physically step back.

Magnus couldn't know. Alec came up with so, so many reasons why Magnus couldn't ever find out. He knew the main three reasons. Firstly, he couldn't let Magnus blame himself. He knew his boyfriend took every offence against his friends personally, but his boyfriend, he would obviously blame himself, and end up hating himself for letting it happen. Alec could take Magnus hating him, but he couldn't bear for the man to hate himself. Secondly, Magnus wouldn't want him anymore, not after everything they had done, he was used, filthy, unclean and tainted. There was no way the great, high warlock of Brooklyn would want someone like him after that. Finally, but in Alec's eyes, most importantly, he didn't want Magnus to think he enjoyed it. He blanched at the thought. He had moaned when Daniel was inside him, not to mention the fact that he had actually came! God, Magnus would think he wanted it. More tears came to his eyes but he forced himself not to cry out. He was still in Magnus' loft, and there was a strong chance Magnus was there. He picked up the pictures and envelope hastily, drawing a flame rune on all of them, making them crumble into piles of ash. Alec wished he could join them.

It had been 20 minutes and Alec was still in a sort of haze, feeling nothing, just complete numbness. Sparing a glance at the clock, he decided he should try head to the institute, where he could find Izzy and Jace, engage in meaningless banter and joke around in the training room. That would be perfect. With a loud sigh he opened the door, praying Magnus wasn't home so he could make an undetected exit. Luck, however, decided to be a real pain, as when he left the guest room and made his way to the lounge, he saw Magnus, sitting on the couch, martini in hand, mulling over some old book in a language Alec could never hope to understand. He stood frozen, trying to think of a plausible story to explain why he was leaving the loft at 2pm on a Sunday. He didn't have much time, as Magnus heard a slight gulp from behind him. He turned around and his face lit up like a Christmas tree.  
"Alexander! I thought you escaped to the institute yesterday. When the party ended you were no where in sight." Magnus said, immediately standing up to go embrace his boyfriend. Alec didn't say anything just nodded mutely.  
"Oh! I was thinking if you have enough time tomorrow, our darling Isabelle wanted to join us on a trip to Japan. Apparently, you couldn't stop gushing, and now Isabelle wants to see what's to great. Obviously, it was my company, but we'll let her figure that out." Magnus said with a teasing tilt to his voice. He was only a few centimetres from Alec when he froze, stopping dead still. At first, Alec was confused, Magnus kept staring at his neck.

"Alec. What are those?" It was the change in Magnus' tone that made Alec flinch. His voice had gone from smooth and almost musical to hard and cold.   
"My...uh... Neck?" Alec asked confused. He turned around to find a mirror or something, so he could understand what Magnus was on about. The reflective top of the kitchen worktops worked just fine, Alec lent over and looked at his neck.  
"Shit." Alec mumbled as he saw the trail of bruises climbing from the base of his neck to behind his ear. When the heck had they got there? He doesn't remember either of those... People, biting him. He did pass out though. Anything could've happened during that time...

Alec quickly looked up, remembering Magnus was there. He had no idea what to say. He had been content to just sleep of the soreness at the institute and forget it even happened. Now what? Should he tell Magnus the truth? No. He said to himself. No no no no. You have very good reasons not to say. He looked up at Magnus, looking him straight in his golden yellow eyes.

"I'm sorry, Magnus." He whispered. He knew what Magnus was going to suspect, but he wasn't apologizing for that, he was apologizing for everything that had happened last night, everything he let happen. 

"Alec. What.did.you.do?" Each word was pronounced angrier than the last, venom slipping into his tone. How could Alec do this to him? He thought Alec loved him, he thought, no, he knew, he lived Alec. On the inside, Magnus was breaking. He'd let himself love again, and this is where it got him. Heartbreak. Again.

Alec was just like Camile, just like all his past lovers. He almost laughed, he thought this Shadowhunter was different. He was just like all of them. Deciding to let his anger go momentarily, he tried to come up with some reason for this. There had to be.

"Alec, please. Tell me this isn't what I think it is. Alec please just fucking say you didn't cheat on me!" 

Alec's heart almost tore itself apart at the pain and anger he saw in Magnus' eye. He caused that. He was the reason this wonderful man was yelling and begging for him to be lying. But he had to. Instead of just sobbing and telling Magnus everything, he said, "I'm sorry Magnus, I can't do that." 

Alec hung his head. This was it.

"Get out." Magnus said, his voice scarily even.

"Your stuff will be at the institute. Don't ever show yourself here again. Now go, I can't even look at you." He sneered the last part, flicking up his hand to make the door slam open. Alec didn't say anything, he wanted to run back and hug Magnus, tell him everything. The need was so consuming, but Alec had to ignore it as he walked through the door. He said nothing else, nothing could erase the look on his boyfriend's... Ex-boyfriends, face, so he didn't try. He left without turning back, if he had, he would've seen the tears running down the side of Magnus' face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec, somewhat, opens up to Luke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As normal, I always appreciate constructive criticism :)) please leave any (nicely worded) suggestions or ideas or improvements I can make.
> 
> This isn't the best chapter and I apologize.for that. :((

Alec stumbled further down the path. He'd just left Magnus loft, and that dreadful numbness had returned. He couldn't feel the cold air nipping at his skin or the ache in his feet and legs, but he didn't really care. He just didn't care. The institute, and by extension, his siblings, was something he decided he'd face later, he didn't know if he could look Izzy in the eye without shattering. He lifted his head up slowly, realising where he was. The docks near the Jade wolf restaurant, his parabatai wouldn't be able to track him here. Looking over at all the shipping crates, he decided to find one near the water edge to sit down next to, just to ignore the world, to forget everything. What happened last night may have been terrible, but what hurt most was the look he saw in Magnus' eyes. He'd bear that night over and over if it meant Magnus wouldn't hurt. 

It had been about two hours and he was still sitting at the docks, not doing anything other that reminding himself to breathe, sometimes hoping he could just stop. His eyes had drifted shut of their own accord, and he didn't have the energy to consider that falling asleep in werewolf territory wasn't the best idea. It was a good job Luke had control over this pack, or Alec would've been torn to shreds. 

He felt a presence behind him, and immediately went tense. He craned his head slowly to see Luke standing there, clad in his usual jeans and leather jacket. Please just leave, Alec kept repeating in his head, he couldn't hold polite conversation right now.

"How can I help you?" Alec said quickly, wanting this to be over. He turned his body fully around and stood up, happy he was the taller one in this situation.

"I was just gonna ask if everything's alright. I don't get to many Shadowhunters hiding from people on my docks." Luke replied.

"And what gave you the impression I was hiding?" Alec asked, annoyance evident in his tone.  
"You can't be tracked on water. I don't see the outline of a phone in your pocket, or a stele for that matter, you have a warm top on despite it being hot, one warm enough for the night air, shall I continue or would you like to tell me what or who your hiding from?" Luke asked in a complete calm voice.  
"Nothing." Alec said all too quickly.  
"Really?"  
"Yes"  
"Sure?"  
"Yes"  
"I don't think so"  
"I don't care"  
"I do"  
"You shouldn't"  
"Why?"  
Alec was just about to reply when the earlier pain in his back flared up. He closed his eyes and groaned slightly, leaning over and resting one hand against the create he had been previously resting at.  
He felt strong hands grab his bicept and arm, keeping him slightly more steady. It took every ounce of self control not to flinch at the contact.  
"Alec? You're not ok, buddy. I'm gonna call Magnus for you,ok?"  
Alec's heart sunk so low he wondered if it was still in his chest. Tears came to the corners of his eyes but he refused to cry. Not now. Not when all the this was his fault, especially not when he cheated on Magnus.

"Don't bother. Just go, Luke. Forget you saw me here, I'll be out of your way soon." Alec tried his dam best to keep his voice steady, to not let the pain seep into his tone. To prove his point to Luke he tried standing straight again, only for the pain to come back tenfold, making his vision whiten for a moment. A small cry of pain left his lips as he sunk more of his weight onto the cargo box.

"Alec, you're not ok. I'll call Magnus, he'll come and portal you to the loft and take care of you. You know he won't mind, everyone knows he lov..."  
"He shouldn't." Alec gasped.  
"Shouldn't love you? Why not, Alec?" Luke asked.  
"We broke up ok, I cheated on him." Alec's voice broke at the last part. Memories of that might flashing back into his mind. The restraints. The laughing. The touching. Everything just poured back into him. Luke stared at him for a few moments and Alec was waiting for him to explode. He knew Magnus and Luke were friends, so it was understandable. He deserved that.  
"Ok. That's what you told Magnus. Now tell me what really happened."  
Alec was stunned into silence, he had literally just told them he cheated on his friend, and he didn't seem phased, he just calmly asked if he was lying. Anger boiled through Alec, not at Luke, at everything. The shitty situation, the fact he let himself be lured, the fact he didn't put up a fight, the fact he lied to Magnus, but to some extent, anger that Magnus didn't know. NO! He screamed at himself, you did this. This is all on you.  
"Luke, I told you what happened, now if you don't mind, I'll be going."  
He pushed himself back onto two feet, swaying slightly at the movement, he was just about to start walking when a form hand was placed on his chest.  
"You didn't cheat on Magnus. You would never do that." Luke sounded so sure of himself and Alec was almost jealous.  
Hysterical laughter bubbled out of Alec, from where, be didn't know. It wasn't the joyous kind of laughter, but the harsh and bitter kind, the laugh in the film that let you know who the psychopath was.  
"I did, Luke. I cheated on him! With two bloody people! Two warlocks! I cheated on him, now leave it."  
"You stopped your own wedding to kiss Magnus, risking so much for just one kiss. You love him. I haven't heard anything about a break up so I'm guessing the break up happened this morning but you actually, even though I don't believe you, cheated yesterday. Yesterday was one of Magnus' parties and I know from Clary you never drink more than two beers, so you weren't drunk. I know you hate parties, but you go to all of Magnus' just to see him smile. You sit through horribly pointless conversations just to see Magnus laugh. You do all of that because you love him. And I don't believe for a second you would do anything to hurt him."  
Alec stood there and absorbed all of that. What should be say? Sure all of that was true, but he did cheat on Magnus, he knew he must've wanted it at least enough to get hard. Alecs head was beginning to throb, all different thoughts and voices screaming all around him. He could focus. Could breathe. He needed air. His lungs weren't working. Alec sat back down against the crate, Luke fell down next to him.  
"Tell me what happened, Alec."  
Alec had a funny feeling he already knew, Luke just sort of had an all knowing air about him .  
"I-" Alec didn't even know what to say.  
"Who were they? Start there."  
Alec kept his gaze focused on the ground, scared to look up. It wouldn't hurt to tell Luke, maybe when he did he would see that this was all Alec's fault and leave.  
"Two people at Magnus' party." Alec answered breathlessly.  
"What happened Alec?"  
A broke off sob escaped Alec throat as he began telling Luke everything about how he met Daniel and Tez. He told them how he went back to there place, without weapons. How he woke up on a bed. He trailed off after that. He couldn't tell Luke exactly what happened, no way. After a few minutes of silence stretched and it became apparent to Luke Alec wasn't going to say anything else, he spoke up.  
"Alec, you didn't cheat on him. You did nothing wrong." Luke used his best comforting voice, the one be normally used for victims at the NYPD.  
"Yes. I did. Don't act like I didn't. It's all my fault, it all is, everything is." Alec rested his head in his hands.  
"Alec you need to tell Magnus. He'll understand, I promise you. It was rape, Alec."  
"NO! Please Luke you can't tell him! I'm begging you please don't! He deserves so much better. All he ever wanted from me was love, and I couldn't even give him that. He deserves that, he deserves all the happiness in the world, and he won't get it from me." 

"Alec if you don't want to tell him I can't make you, but I know he wouldn't blame you. How about we go back to his loft now. I'll stay with you and we can tell him together." Luke placed a reassuring hand on Alec's knee. 

"No. Just forget all this. It doesn't even matter. It was stupid and it was my fucking fault so just leave it!" Alec screamed. He was done. With everything and everyone. He just wanted to get to the institute, climb on the roof and shoot arrows over the city. He stood up and walked of quickly, leaving Luke sitting down by the crate. Why had be just told Luke that?! He hated himself so much. He wanted what he got, he shouldn't be complaining about it. Ignoring the raging pain in his back, he marched to the institute, wanting nothing more than the calming weight of his bow in his hands. He knew he would "forget" to put a guard on his arm, and hopefully that would be enough for him. If not, the institute had plenty of seraph blades no one would miss.

____________________

Alec had just left and Luke heaved a sigh. That poor kid. How could he think it was his fault. He had t exactly told him what happened after he woke up, but it didn't take a genius to guess. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, checking the recording app was still running. Yep, it had caught all of their conversation after Alec had said he and Magnus broke up. Slowly, he pressed the stop button, saving the audio file to his phone. After that, he opened his contacts and found Magnus. The phone ringed a few times before a clearly agitated Magnus answered.  
"What?" He snapped.  
"Magnus, it's Luke, we need to talk, I have something I think you should listen to."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Luke taking the recording to Magnus. :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus listens to the recording.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHH this didn't go how I wanted it to :(  
> Please leave any nicely worded constructive criticism!! I appreciate all feedback!!

Magnus was fuming. Alec had left hours ago but his anger still hadn't subsided. He should've known this would happen, no one would ever love him. He'd tried to remind himself of that when he met Alec, he will never love you, he told himself, you're a demon. He had experienced pain before, its expected when you've enjoyed centuries of life. He had been stabbed, shot, beaten, heck, he'd almost been beheaded in England once. But nothing compared to the pain he felt knowing Alec had cheated on him. He would much prefer 10 arrows slowly pressed into his chest than the feeling of his heart ripping in two, splitting all the invisible plasters and glue that kept it together. He'd spent the first hour doing nothing. Just sitting on his couch, staring at nothing. Why wasn't he enough? He'd done everything he could to make sure Alec was happy, he'd been completely open with him, told him things he'd kept locked in the back of his mind, told him all his fears. And he thought Alec was genuine when he said he'd never leave him. He had been filled with such warmth and happiness, he wondered if all he'd ever feel from now on was cold.

After he wallowed in his self pity, he built his walls back up, stronger this time. No one would hurt him again. Never again. 

Cleaning out Alec's stuff was harder than he thought, each item had some kind of memory, something that made him think back to the soft mornings in bed, the ridiculous debates held over a pan of cooking eggs, everything that made him fall deeper in love with him. The last thing in his hand ready to be sent away was his onamori charm. It was one of the first gifts he received in decades, maybe even centuries. Closing his eyes, he flicked his wrist and it was sent back to Alec's room in the institute. 

A loud knock on his door brought him out of his thoughts. He really didn't have the patience to deal with people's endless demands today, maybe if it was someone important he would out in the effort to refer them to another warlock. Maybe. Dragging his feet, he slowly opened the door. Luke Garroway stood on the other side, something Magnus wasn't necessarily expecting. Him and Luke had been on fairly friendly terms recently, something he was happy about. Shame he would have to ruin it by snapping at him.  
"What Luke?" His tone was less than welcoming, giving a 'dont-screw-with-me' undertone.  
"We need to talk about Alec."  
Luke's voice was so dam infuriatingly calm, Magnus envied him.  
"There's nothing to talk about, now leave, I'm busy." Magnus lifted his hand to slam the door shut, only to have a foot shoved in, blocking it.  
"Not until you hear this. I promise, I'll leave after."  
After a few moments of pondering, he relented, just to get him to leave quicker.  
Luke held up his phone and pressed the play button, immediately a small crackling sound could be heard, like the static of moving a phone whilst videoing. Magnus was about demand what the point of this was, until he heard a small voice on the other end. He'd recognise Alec's voice any day.  
"Two people at Magnus' party."  
He heard Luke's calming voice after, asking what happened. The sob that left Alec's mouth tugged at his weak heart. He couldn't bear to hear his angel in pain. He took the phone from Luke, sitting down heavily on his couch. It didnt take a genius to figure out where Alec was going with him waking up on their bed before he trailed off.  
"Oh my angel." He breathed. Why didn't Alec just tell him? He listened to Luke try tell Alec it wasn't his fault, but his Shadowhunter wouldn't believe him. God dam stubborn Shadowhunter. What hurt the most was when he heard Alecs panicked voice begging him not to tell him. His heart crashed when he heard "He deserves so much better. All he ever wanted from me was love, and I couldn't even give him that. He deserves that, he deserves all the happiness in the world, and he won't get it from me." 

"Luke what do I do?" He asked. His head had starting spinning, so many topics floating around, the main one what type hell he wanted to rained down on those warlocks.  
"Talk to him Magnus. I don't know why he thinks it's his fault, best guess is something they said to him. He won't believe it from anyone, but he might from you. Do you have any idea where he might go?  
"Institute roof." He answered without hesitation. He knew if Alec was upset, that's where he would go.  
"Luke I'm sorry I have to go."  
"I'll let myself out," Luke said, already getting up. Magnus' hands swirled as he created a portal to the outside of the institute. Before he stepped in, he heard Luke call out, "Be gentle, Magnus. Remember he doesn't know I told you. Ease into the conversation, make sure he knows you're not mad at him."  
Magnus gave a confirmation nod before stepping into the portal. He had an angel to talk to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Magnus and Alec finally talk.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus tries to speak to Alec. That goes... Well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the late update!! Please forgive me. 
> 
> As usual all nicely worded constructive criticism appreciated!!

Alec pulled his bowstring back and released another arrow. His arm was covered in blood, hours of shooting without an armguard making itself known. The arrow sailed through the air, taking Alec's anger and sadness with it. When he was practising archery it was like that, every arrow took something with it, some problem or feeling. He felt someone behind him, earlier than be heard their footsteps, and with blinding speed turned around, and arrow aimed at their chest. He was simultaneously relieved and petrified when he saw it was Magnus standing there, in all his glittery fashion.   
"Alexander can we talk?" He asked, his voice soft and caring, he expected Magnus to yell at him, or throw a punch or something like that. Alec just continued to stare at him, not knowing what to do, his grip on the bow slightly lessening. He decided to just avoid any conversation with him. He wouldn't make an emotional fool out of himself that way.  
"Leave, Magnus." His voice was harsh and cold, scaring Magnus slightly, though the warlock did a great job at hiding it.  
"Please Alexander, just talk to me. I promise I'm not mad."   
Alec laughed. Magnus was slightly confused.   
"Oh you should be. I'm not talking to you. Leave now or I'll just jump of the roof." Alec pulled his stele out of his pocket, indicating the runes he would need to activate for a perfect landing.   
"I understand you must be angry, Alec. But please talk to me, you promised you wouldn't push me away when things got crazy." Alec almost broke at that, sure, at the time he had promised that, but he had no idea what was going to happen. He'd already told Luke what happened, and he hated himself for it. He wanted it after all, he shouldn't be complaining. There was no way he could tell Magnus, he wasn't going to make himself a victim. This sort of thing happened to mundane girls, not strong, male Shadowhunters. He pulled his stele over the runes, turning around, ready to leap when Magnus said,  
"Luke told me what happened." Alec's entire body tensed and Magnus could see that. Clenching his eyes shut, Alec willed himself to stay strong. He was fine, why was he acting like he didn't want it? He knew he did. He had the pictures to prove it.  
Magnus decided to try again, still speaking in a calm voice.  
"He told me everything, and it wasn't your fault, Alec. Those warlocks, it's their fault. I don't know what-" Magnus was cut of by Alec screaming, "SHUT UP OR I SWEAR BY THE ANGEL ILL SHOOT YOU." Of course Alec knew he wouldn't, but he was just so angry at everything. Himself, Luke, Daniel, Tez, Magnus for being so god dam understanding. He just wanted it all to end.  
Magnus, sensing he may need to slow down about, slowed. He complied with Alec's request and said nothing for a minute or so, the only sounds being Alec's laboured breathing. When Alec looked back up, tears were glistening in his eyes but he forced himself to ignore it.  
"I wanted it. That's all you need to know. Now go." He was proud when his voice didn't waver.  
"No, Alec. I know you'd never do something like that. Luke played me a recording of your conversation, so don't even try to tell me that you are fine."  
Alec turned back to the wall, looking over the city. Everything just built up inside and he screamed. As loud as he could he screamed. His hands grip the ledge and he leant forward and yelled at nothing, just letting out his anger. He thumped his first down on the stone wall, hard. Hearing a slight crack, he momentarily paused, only to find he really didn't care. Magnus just stood there, letting Alec scream, he knew he needed this, just a quick way to get rid of all the pent up frustration bubbling in him. When Alec had stopped, he decided to take a different approach.  
"Alec, if someone from one of my parties asked me to go to their house under a false pretence and drugged me, then made me have sex with them while I was still slightly out of it, would it be my fault?"   
Alec turned around quickly, exclaiming, "No! Of course not."  
"So why is it your fault?"  
Alec stuttered slightly.  
"It just is"  
"Why?"  
"Because it is!" Alec yelled back.  
"I know I wanted it!"  
"How?"  
"I just..." Alec trailed off, not wanting Magnus to know he had got hard, and even came, from someone else. That was all his fault.  
"Alec, did you ask them to drug you?" Magnus asked calmly. Alec looked up at him but said nothing. Taking that as a no, he continued.  
"Did you ask to have sex with them? Did you explicitly tell them you wanted it." When Alec still refused to answer, he said, "You didn't want that Alec, why would you think you did?"   
Alec just stayed silent. He had moved his left hand to start rubbing over his other wrist, the muscles becoming quite sore.  
"Please Alec, just tell me, I know it's something but I'm not a mind reader." Alec haunched his shoulders, trying to curl in on himself. He droned out Magnus' next words, he was getting frustrated. Why couldn't Magnus just accept it and forget? That's all he wanted to do. When it all became to much he snapped. Rushing forward, he pushed Magnus hard in the chest, making him stumble back.  
"You don't know anything!" He sneered. He pushed Magnus again, and again, pushing him backwards less each time until he was just thumping at his chest desperately.  
"Tell me what it is Alexander. I can help you, but not if you don't tell me." Alec wanted to say, once he told him he knew Magnus would hate him, he would be left in peace, he could continue to fire arrows until the pain in his hand outbalanced everything else.  
"I wanted it Magnus, I know I did I got- I got..." Magnus pulled an arm around to rub comforting circles on Alec's back   
"Hard- i- I got hard." Alec Whispered. And with that it all came out.  
"When he was- when he was inside me..." Alec cringed at just the thought of it.   
"I- I was moa- moaning and it felt- it felt good. And after he- after he- finished with me he put- put his- hand on me and i- I enjoyed it and i-"  
"You came?" Magnus finished for him, understanding where Alec was going with it. Alec was shaking in his arms, he was just about to reach down and hug Alec when suddenly he pushed back.  
"See I told you why I wanted it, now will you please just go?"   
Alec was already reaching for his bow again, ready to shoot another 2 dozen arrows, when Magnus placed his arm gently on Alec's bicept.   
"Alec..." Magnus was about to tell him it wasn't his fault, tell him it was a natural reaction when he decided this conversation would be better had at his loft.  
"Come back to the loft with me, just ten minutes and after that I won't bother you again."   
Alec nodded, the quicker be got this over with the quicker he could get back to his bow and quiver.  
Magnus started to swirl his hands to make a portal, a flash of Magnus coming out of his palm. He heard of sharp intake of breath and turned to see alec, wide eyed with panic. Why was he looking at magnus like that? Suddenly it clicked in his head, it was warlocks who had done this, they have undoubtedly used their magic. How had he not thought of that? Putting out the magic immediately, he turned to face Alec, saying, "On second thought, I could do with a walk. You know how old muscles get." His terrible attempt at humour succeeded slightly as he saw the edge of Alec's lip flick up momentarily. Magnus was about to take Alec's hand,when he reminded himself physical touch may not be welcome. Leading the way, he started to walk out the institute, Alec a few places behind him with his head bowed. This was going to be a long conversation, Magnus thought to himself.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec and Magnus talk at the loft, and Alec finally accepts some comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! Do forgive me. Once again, sorry for any mistakes and constructive criticism is appreciated :)

The lofts lighting was soft, casting a little golden glow over everything. Magnus pushed the door open and walked in, Alec a few steps behind him. Neither of them had said anything on the way back to the loft, Magnus wondering how he was going to convince a stubborn Shadowhunter and Alec mulling over the quickest way to end a conversation. Magnus turned around and saw Alec standing stiffly by the door. It hurt him to think that his Alexander was uncomfortable in his- their home.   
"Say what you want then I'm leaving. You said ten minutes." Alec said, lowing his eyes so they were resting at Magnus' chin, not his face.  
"Can we sit down first darling?" Magnus asked kindly, moving to sit down on the couch.  
"Go ahead." Alec answered, not making a move to join him. Magnus took it in his stride, however, not wanting to make Alec even more uncomfortable.  
"You need to know that it's not your fault, Alec." Magnus said, leaning back to try make himself look non threatening and approachable. Alec didn't meet Magnus' eyes, just slightly raised his eyebrows in an action he hoped made him appear nonchalant.   
"Is the fact that you came the only reason you think it's your fault?" Magnus asked, once again in a kind and reassuring tone. He received no answer, Alec just moved his gaze to the wall.   
"Was it something they said?" He continued. When it became apparent he wasn't going to get any answer, he decided to try another tactic.  
"I need to know Alec, it hurts me not to understand." Ok, maybe it's a bit of a sly tactic, but he needed to get Alec to talk to him, he had found over the centuries talking could be extremely therapeutic.  
Alec glanced over at him, considering his options. He had intended to stand in silence for the whole ten minutes, but Magnus' tone and approachable nature were all wearing at his armour. He slowly made his was over to the couch and sat down at the point farthest away from the warlock, but still didn't say anything.  
"Alec, you couldn't help how you reacted. It was your body's natural response, and you had absolutely no control over that. Arousal doesn't mean consent. You didn't consent to being drugged or tied up and you sure as hell didn't consent to sex. There is much blame in this, but I promise you, none of it is yours." Alec had to remind himself not to cry, it was only a few more minutes, then he could leave. Lowering his head, he continued his bout of silence.  
"It's not your fault Alec, it's theirs," Magnus' had raised his voice slightly, "they did this to you, Alec. What ever they told you was a lie. Please believe me, I love you and I don't want to see you blame yourself." Magnus looked straight at Alec with tears in his eyes, and that's what broke him.

Alec lunged forward, tackling Magnus into a hug. He gripped his jacket tight and buried his head in Magnus' shoulder, finally crying. Harsh sobs shook his body, and Magnus held him tightly, letting him soak his shirt. He really couldn't care less.  
"It's ok, my love. I'm right here, I promise." He whispered softly.  
"They- they have..." Alec mumbled through his cries. He leaned further into Magnus chest, finally feeling a sense of safety, the first he'd felt since the party. Magnus waited patiently, knowing whatever Alec was about to say was something he was likely ashamed of. It was about 5 minuets when Alec's crying had subsided slightly that he mumbled something into Magnus' arm. Magnus quietly asked his to repeat it, and his heart shattered at how broken and defeated his Alexander sounded when he told them.  
"They took pictures, Magnus" he whispered, and could immediately feel his boyfriend-was he still his ex?- tense up beside him. He knew he'd never say it otherwise, so he continued.  
"When I woke up there was an- an envelope at the end of the bed. It had- had pic- pictures inside of-when i- when I was..." Alec sucked in a breath before finishing, he knew Magnus could probably tell, but he needed to say it, "when i- ca-came. When I came."  
Alec buried his head back in Magnus shoulder in shame, fresh tears coming to his eyes.  
"When they made you, Alec. You didn't want that."   
Magnus glanced over at the clock, only just realising how late it was.  
"It's late Alexander, we should sleep," Alec immediately tensed up, but Magnus smoothly added, "I can sleep on the couch if you want, or we can both sleep fully clothed."  
"I don't wanna be alone." Alec whispered, and Magnus understood, he took Alec's hand wearily, and after Alec posed no hesitation, grasped it tightly and lifted him up.  
"Can you let me heal your arm first, darling?" He asked gently. He received a slight nod as confirmation, so proceeded to heal the teared and abused flesh. Slowly, he lead Alec to the bedroom, picking out two pairs of sweats for them each to wear. Alec changed in the bathroom, partly for the privacy, but mostly for a moment to himself. Looking up in the mirror, he didn't recognize the man staring back at him. After washing his face he went back to the bed to see Magnus standing by the door.   
"Are you sure you don't want me to sleep on the couch sweetie? I really don't mind."  
"No i- it's f- I dont mind."  
Magnus accepted this with a nod, and jumped into bed on his normal side. He had changed the sheets to white a few weeks ago, something Alec had originally appreciated, but he looked up at his boyfriend only to see a glazed over look on his face. He was staring intently at the sheets, not moving an inch. Magnus tried calling his name but nothing seemed to elicit a response from him.   
"Can we change the sheets?" Alec asked in a tiny voice.   
"Why, darling?" Magnus asked, confused.  
"They remind me of-when..." Alec trailed off, just constantly staring. Magnus immediately understood and snapped his fingers, the sheets turning to a dark chocolate colour.  
"Is this ok, love?" He asked. Alec slowly slid into bed, not touching the warlock. Magnus leant back and got comfy. A few tense moments past before Alec shuffled over slightly and rested his head on Magnus' chest, relaxing slightly.  
"I'm sorry,Magnus." He whispered, almost to himself.  
Magnus' eyebrows shot up quickly, but he kept his voice quiet and calm as to not startle his easily shaken up boyfriend, "whatever for, darling?"   
"Everything" Alec said. It ended there, as it seemed he didn't care to elaborate, but Magnus wasn't going to push it, his boyfriend had had an extremely emotionally draining day, after all, which was proved evident when he fell asleep a few moments later.

Magnus took the time to ponder what Alec had told him. Those sick freaks took pictures of him? Magnus felt physically sick just thinking about what had happened to his boyfriend, but he felt so much worse when he thought of how Alec must've felt to have been acussed of cheating on him. Magnus hadn't pried for information hard enough, how could he ever think this man would do that? He couldn't believed he had compared him to Camile.

Magnus slowly raised his hands to check his boyfriend over, he healed the soreness Alec would feel in the morning, and visibly cringed when he had to repair some tearing. If Magnus slept thinking about the hell he would rain down on the people who did this to his boyfriend, well, that was his business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Alec recounts what happened to Magnus a few days later.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec tells Magnus exactly what happened

The early morning sun cast a light, golden glow over the bedroom, Magnus squinted his eyes in a futile attempt to help them adjust. He turned his head to the side and saw Alec sleeping peacefully. His boyfriend had woke him up 4 times that night, screaming and kicking and begging and whimpering. By the fourth time Magnus woke up, he decided to place a light sleeping spell on him, just so he could sleep the rest of the night without being plagued by nightmares. He didn't have the heart to wake up his angel so he just lay there, wondering what he would do to the two warlocks who'd hurt his lover.

Alec groaned slightly as he woke up, his throat hoarse. He coughed and doubled over the side of the bed, his throat raw and painful. A glass of water appeared in his hand and he sent a thankful glance to his boyfriend as he downed the cup. He placed the cup back on the bedside counter and sat back down, adverting his eyes from Magnus'. He really didn't know what to say.  
"How about we get breakfast, Alexander? I still conjure up a fantastic Belgium waffle."  
Alec just shrugged, standing up and walking out to the kitchen. Magnus had tried to start a conversation with Alec throughout breakfast, but he only got hums and jerks of the head in response. Alec never made eye contact with him, just ate quietly. The day progressed much like that, despite all Magnus' attempts Alec just wouldn't talk, he spend the best part of the day reading a crime fiction novel he found under the couch, occasionally getting up to get water or go to the bathroom. Magnus had called Izzy and told her Alec wouldn't be coming into the institute for a few days, saying he was sick and needing some time to recover.

A few days passed like that, Alec reading, only taking breaks to get a drink, or eat when Magnus gave him something. He hated being such a burden on his boyfriend, but he just couldn't bring himself to leave the fictional world of detectives and murderers. It was only on the third day he broke his silent streak. He found Magnus in his workshop, he was alternating between scanning a book and adding ingredients to a bubbling cauldron.  
"Magnus, can we talk?" He asked quietly. He saw his boyfriends head snap up immediately, almost dropping the spoon he was using to stir whatever concoction was brewing underneath him.  
"Of course, just let me find a lid for this." Magnus placed a clear lid over the cauldron and walked Alec out to the lounge, he snapped his fingers and two mugs of steaming hot chocolate appeared on the coffee table. They both made themselves comfortable on the couch, Magnus on the far left with Alec across from him.   
"I don't know how to- I can't-"   
"Start where ever you want, darling." Magnus voice was smooth as always, and just like normal, it managed to calm Alec a little.   
"I-uh. I was talking to them at the party. They were-uh. They kept me company on the balcony. One said he had a present for you, but didn't know if you would like it, and asked me to-uh to come look at it. I shouldn't have gone with them. I should have told you I was leaving or got someone else to come with me or I should've taken a weapon or should've done something. I didn't do anything. I made it so easy for them," Alec let out a bitter and humourless laugh, "no wonder they..."   
"It wasn't your fault, Alec." Magnus gently reminded him.  
Choosing to ignore the comment, Alec continued.  
"We went to there apartment,and even though I knew something was wrong I didn't do anything. I went straight into the room without even thinking! They must've injected me with something, because the next thing I knew I was- I woke up uh- I woke up on the b-bed with my hands t-tied above me." Alec gulped. He looked over at his boyfriend, who was doing a poor job at hiding his anger, his eyebrows were drawn in tight and his mouth formed a perfectly straight line. His eyes were what really showed it though, they were alight with something akin to hellfire.   
"One of them was tal-talking to me. He said uh- said that I woke up quicker than he expected but that he was gl-glad because he was get- he was getting impa- impatient. I was confused so I asked him to taake my arms down, but he- he" Alec stopped and looked over at Magnus, who gave him an encouraging nod.  
"He asked me-uh asked why he would when I looked that go-good stre-stretched out." Alec sucked his head again, finding the seam of his trousers absolutely fascinating.  
"What happened after that, Alec?" Magnus prodded gently. Alec answered without looking up, "he said 'if only Magnus could see you now'. It made- made me mad so I started pulling my wrists harder. I looked over at- at the ot-other w-w-warlock and he- he was- he" Alec broke down into sobs, pushing his arms up to hide his face. Talking about something like masturbation was embarrassing for him under any circumstance, but that was amplified tenfold talking about someone doing it while watching him.   
"Can I touch you, Alec?" Magnus asked calmly, seeing his lover so distressed tore him up, and it took everything he had not to lash out with his magic. Once he received a small nod from Alec he pulled him into a hug, gripping him not to tightly, but just tight enough to be reassuring.  
"Whatever it is you can tell me, love. Take a moment to think about how to say it, it's fine." He knew his boyfriend struggled with vocalising things sometimes, so he didn't mind waiting. It took Alec a minute or two but he finally said, "he was- he was watching and- and- touch-touching himself." Alec closed his eyes in shame, burying his head into the crook of Magnus' neck.  
"It's ok Alec, well done for telling me. You're doing so good. Can you tell me what happened after that?"   
"The f-first one told me I was-was gonna lie there and do- do exactly what he said or it would-be be more painful than-more painful than necessary. I-uh I started to freak out and i- I tried to move away but- but I co-couldnt. I couldn't, I tried, Magnus, I swear I tried but I co-couldnt."   
"I know, baby. I know you tried." Magnus said softly, stroking his Shadowhunters hair.   
"He told me it was ok- he sai-said I'd- said I would-"   
"It's ok Alec, tell me what he said." Magnus gently prodded.  
"That I would- en- that I would enjoy it. He put his hand forward and- trail-trailed it down from my- to my collarbone and he- he bit down on it. He sat- sat on my- he straddled me and kissed me. I promise Magnus I kept my lips shut- I did Magnus I promise but he- tugged on my hair and I ga-gasped because it- it hurt and he- his tongue- he- I bit down on it because- because only you can kiss me like that- I promise." Alec pressed his head even further against Magnus, tears rolling down his cheeks.  
"It's ok. You're doing great Alec, you are. Can you carry on for me?"  
"He was- he was mad and he- he swore and jumped of me. I was gl-glad until- he got back on and started- he started touch-touching me again. I told him to get off me but he didn't. He didn't. Why didn't he, Mags?" Alec cried, he clenched his fists up tight, squeezing he eyes shut as Magnus stopped running his hand through his hair and started rubbing comforting circles on his back.   
"Because he's a sick person, Alec. That's why." Magnus answered.  
He waited for about ten minutes until Alec sobs had got quieter, before asking him if he thought he could carry on, reminding him he could stop at any point. Alec gave a small nod before continuing, "I was squirming because he- he pinched my- my- he pinched it hard and I heard a- a mo- moan and looked up and saw the other one still- still- you know and then the first one snap- snapped his fingers and I was- I didn't have my clothes on anymore. He got some- some lu-lube and said it took about 3 or 4 minutes to pr-pre- to"  
"Prepare someone?" Magnus supplied. Alec just nodded before continuing.  
"He said everytime I speak he would take a minute of. And he- he said something about me being your- being you're bitch and that- that I'd enjoy it if it was you and that if I squint enough he'd look like you. I said you weren't and I shou- shouldn't have spoke because- because it. He promised me I would- I would come and started to to-touch me.. down there. I got- I got hard. He shoved a -finger in and it- it hurt m-more than I thought it would, he told me he'd use-use lube if I begged. I should've begged him bec-because when he- when he actually- actually... You know, it hurt so bad, but when he- when he- on my- my- it felt- it felt good. And he told me he knew I liked it, and- and called me a slut and- I'm so sorry Mags. I'm sorry."  
"You have nothing to apologize for, my love. The prostate is a nerve bundle that will always feel good when touched, no matter what is happening. It's ok."  
"I- the other one- he came in his-hand. And he came up to me after and- he- it tasted terrible and I spat it out I promise. The first one he- he came in- in me. When he was done he- he kept touching me and i- I did as well. The second one took pictures as i- as I did and- and then I blacked out. I woke up in- in the guest room and the pictures were in an envelope. I didn't even- I didn't know there were-uh were marks on my neck until-"   
"Why didn't you tell me what happened then, sweetheart?" Magnus said in a non judgemental tone.  
"I just- I just couldn't" Alec said pitifully.  
"It's ok, Alec. You did such an amazing job telling me. I'm so proud of you angel, I just need to know one more thing ok? Then we can put on some TV and cuddle under some blankets ok?" He waited till Alec shrugged, then asked,   
"Can you tell me their names, baby?"  
"Da- Daniel Miller and te- and Tez." Magnus nodded, mentally checking all the warlocks he knew. 

Magnus kept his word, the two spent the rest of the day cuddling and watching how to get away with murder, with Alec cuddled into Magnus' side, basking in the warmth and feeling of safety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Alec and Magnus go to the institute and tell Izzyand Jace what happened


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec tells Izzy and Jace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUUUUPER short. Sorry :( I'll try do better next time. Sorry for any mistakes, and feel free to leave suggestions and constructive criticism :)

Alec had done many scary things in his life. The list was so long it would actively kill half the rainforest, but nothing, nothing he'd done so far in his life was as absolutely daunting as standing Infront of the institute, about to file a breach of the accords against a pair of warlocks. He would've already bolted if not for the comforting presence of his boyfriend.  
"You ok, darling?" Magnus asked. Alec took a few moments before giving a small nod.   
"Ok, I texted Izzy and Jace to meet us in your room in..." Magnus gave a quick glance at his watch," oh.. ten minutes ago, best we move then, sweetheart."   
The both made their way through the busy halls, people glancing at them occasionally, but Alec thought that had more to do with the high warlock of Brooklyn clinging to his arm than anything else. Alec paused before opening his bedroom door, he could hear voices inside, ones that he knew belonged to his brother and sister. Before he could decide against it, he pushed the door open and walked in. Izzy was sitting comfortably on the top of his bed whilst Jace was propped against his desk. A bright smile from Izzy was aimed at him, but he didn't have the energy to even attempt to act ok.   
"I need you guys to do me a favour." He stated simply. He felt Magnus' hand tighten at the tone of his voice. Izzy seemed to have a similar reaction, sitting up more and nodding her head.  
"I need to to report two warlocks to the clave for breaking the accords."   
Jace was confused at first, Alec would normally be fine doing reports and what-not. Instead of voicing his confusion, he moved to sit down beside Izzy.   
"Sure," he said, "Who are we reporting and what for." Alec's grip on Magnus' hand tightened even more behind his back.  
"Daniel Miller and Tez. I'm not sure what his last name his." Alec kept his voice even, giving absolutely nothing away, Izzy winced slightly, that was the tone he used with their parents, but he'd never once used it with either of them.   
"What for?" Izzy asked. She noticed how Alec's eyes were trained on the wall behind her, never shifting. To someone who didn't know him as well you'd easily assume he wasn't listening, but both Jace and Izzy saw the slight clenching of his jaw, the slight twitch in his left eye and the way he moved his legs closer, standing upright and to attention. Just like a warrior. After a few moments it became apparent he wasn't going to say anything, Izzy looked to Magnus and said, "Do you know what's going on here?"  
Magnus merely looked over at Alec, and answered when he gave another squeeze of his hand. They'd decided before they came that if Alec couldn't say anything, or wanted Magnus to say it for him, he'd squeeze his hand, so Magnus did.  
"One raped a Shadowhunter whilst the other watched." He saw Izzy gasp slightly, but regain her composure. Jace suddenly stood up, turning to face both his parabatai and his parabatai's boyfriend.  
"Who was it? We need to get them to the infirmary if they haven't been already. Is it someone we know?" He asked.  
"It was me." Alec said in such a quiet voice it was almost a whisper.   
Both Izzy and Jace's head snapped up at that. They both stared at Alec for a moment, but Alec didn't look back at them, he kept his eyes on the wall and kept his mask in place. He would cry when he got home with Magnus.  
"Alec.. I" Jace tried to start, but his parabatai cut him off almost immediately.  
"I need you to make the report and send it, I'll go to the city of bones so they can ask me questions with the soul sword, I don't want a huge trial. If that's all I'm going to go home." Alec recited everything without looking at them, without letting his voice shake or stance waver.  
"Well do it, but Alec talk to us." Izzy implored, standing up as well.  
"Send the report, I'll see you when it's over."   
Jace sighed in defeat, knowing Alec wouldn't be telling them anything about what happened anytime soon.   
"Ok, I'll send it first thing in the morning." He moved forward to pull Alec into a hug, only to hear a slight growl in response and see his brother move behind Magnus, who crossed his arms protectively. Magnus knew it was terrible, but some part of him way glad Alec looked to him for protection, despite the circumstances. Alec hated the look of hurt on Jace's face when he pulled away, but he just couldn't stand anyone touching him. Izzy and Jace both said goodbye, despite their reluctance to leave Alec alone. Magnus made them a portal as soon as they got out of the institute.   
"I'm so proud of you Alec, you did amazing" Magnus said. He kept his distance and opened his arms, far enough away that Alec could choose whether he wanted to be touched or not. He gratefully accepted the invite and all but jumped into Magnus arms, burying his face in Magnus' neck. His boyfriend rubbed soothing circles on his back before saying, "How about we watch a few more episodes of Sherlock on Netflix? We can find some food later." Alec nodded his consent and fell onto the couch with Magnus, cuddling under the fluffy throw blankets his boyfriend had just summoned.  
"Where did we end last, darling?"  
"John's wedding. Sherlock's about to give the best man's speech."   
"AHH of course."  
Magnus smiled as halfway through the episode Alec had dozed of with his head in his lap. He received a text from Izzy later, saying, 'reports sent, we wanted it done ASAP. How is he Magnus?'   
Only a minute later he got a message from Jace saying ,'Hurt my brother and I'll personally send you to Edom.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Malec fluff? Or maybe the trial. Not too sure :)


	10. Chapter 10

Just an author's note:  
My phone is currently broke so I can't publish any more chapters before it's repaired. Sorry for this :( I'll upload as soon as humanly possible. I'm using my friends tablet for this and now she's yelling at me :))


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trial by soul sword

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience!! I really do appreciate it :) sorry for any mistakes and as always constructive criticism is appreciated :)

Alec pulled the tie around again and huffed when he couldn't get it right. One of the silent brothers was bringing the soul sword to the institute, and Alec, in the presence of a few clave officials, would have to answer questions regarding the report Jace and Izzy had sent in. Magnus had expected Alec to be scared, heck, if the thought of telling his siblings had him almost projectile vomiting, telling a room of near strangers ought to be daunting, but his boyfriend seemed... Blank. Completely emotionless. It scared Magnus, his boyfriend's eyes having no spark in them, only getting small hums for answers, only having him meeting his eyes for a few seconds before lowering them again. Logically, he knew he needed to give Alexander time, but he just couldn't help wishing for his old shadowhunter back. He regretted even hosting that party, regretted persuading Alec to come. If Alexander hadn't been there, none of this would've happened. Sighing quietly, Magnus strolled over to where his boyfriend was standing at the door, helping him with his tie.   
"You'll be fine, Alec. I promise I'll be right there with you... If that's what you want?" Magnus made sure to end it in a question, giving Alec a chance to refuse if he so wished.  
"Yeah, yea I do." Alec all but whispered back. Magnus gently took Alec's hand and led him out of the loft, opting to go on the subway as apose to creating a portal. His angel was still extremely cautious around magic, something Magnus decided was quite fair. They made it to the institute on time, Alec led the way through the corridor to the room he had been told the questioning would happen in. Jace and Izzy saw Alec walking through the halls and immediately walked over to him. Other than a few texts, they hadn't seen or spoken to Alec since he asked them to file the report. Out of habit, Jace moved in for a hug. When he was almost touching Alec he realized how tense he was, and immediately pulled back, ashamed that he forgot not to touch him.  
"I'm sorry, man. I forgot." Jace said, steeping back two feet to give Alec plenty of room. Alec just shrugged, not wanting to make a big deal over his new found fear.  Magnus squeezed his hand gently, providing some modium of comfort. Both Izzy and Jace had to hide the hurt they felt when Alec barely looked at them, instead focussing on a screen far in the distance while asking, "are they ready for me yet?"   
Izzy nodded her head and turned so she was looking at Magnus, noticing how uncomfortable her big brother was when the attention was on him. All she wanted to do was reach out and hold her big brother, to tell him it would all be OK, just like he had done for her so many times. But she knew she couldn't.  
"There's one silent brother, one clave member to ask the questions and another to bear witness and record all the answer's. Go on in, we'll wait out here." Magnus nodded and gave her a tight lipped smile. Alec stood in front of the door hesitantly. He took a deep breathe and grabbed hold of Magnus' hand before pushing the door open. He saw the silent brother standing in the corner, his brown hood pulled back so Alec could see the places where his eyes used to be. A mad in his mid thirties approached him and reached out to shake his hand, only seeming slightly upset when Alec made no move to shake it. "The clave has sent me to ask you some questions. My friend Amelia is going to record your answers." He indicated to his left, where a short woman stood, who raised her eyebrows slightly at the word 'friend'. She had long, chestnut brown hair and almond shaped eyes. Her face was heart shaped, and was dusted with freckles.   
"Please stand over on that slightly raised platform and we can begin." The man said.  
Alec felt the warm presence of Magnus move, and turned to see his moving back into the corner.  
"I'll be right here darling, I promise." Magnus assured him. Slowly, Alec made his way to stand on the small platform. His hands were shaking  when the silent brother stepped forward and placed the sword in his outstretched hands.  
"Is your name Alexander Gideon Lightwood?" The man asked.  
"Alec." He answered.  
"You reported two warlocks for breaking the accord's?"  
"My siblings did."  
"And how did they break the accord's?"  
Alec took a moment before getting out an answer through gritted teeth.  
"They raped a shadowhunter."  
"Who was that shadowhunter?" The man's voice displayed no sympathy, but also no judgement, which made Alec feel slightly better.  
"Me."  
"What did they do."  
Alec inhaled slowly, "They knocked me out. When I woke up I was tied to a bed and he raped me."  
"He?" The man questioned.  
"Daniel Miller." Just saying the name made Alec want to gag, but he couldn't stop himself from saying it, not with the soul sword almost physically sucking the truth out of him.  
"Daniel Miller raped you?" He asked again.  
"Yes."  
"How can someone even rape a man?" He questioned.   
He heard a sharp intake of breathe from the far corner of the room and looked up from the ground to see a horrified expression on Magnus' face. He absolutely hated that Magnus was feeling that way. And it was all his fault. He should've just came in by himself.   
"Do you want all the details?" Alec murmured.  
"Anyway, it's true your already sleeping with a downworlder?"   
The way he said downworlder made Alec's skin crawl. What the hell was wrong with this guy?   
"Yes, what does that have to do with anything?" Alec asked, feeling beyond frustrated.  
"And how many other downworlders are you sleeping with?" He asked, face twisted in disgust. It wasn't only Magnus who was in shock this time, Amelia seemed to be unable to close her mouth.   
"None." Alec spat out.  
"Are you sure?"  
"I've never even considered cheating on my boyfriend, you asshole!" Alec shouted. Magnus wanted to deny the slight relief he felt at that statement, but as soon as the words left Alec's mouth a small part of his brain was finally content. Ever since Camille he'd never been able to truly believe someone could be satisfied with just him, and him alone. He hated that he doubted Alec sometimes, the man was nothing if not loyal, but he just couldn't help wondering if he was enough. Was he being a good enough lover? Was Alec happy? Was he doing anything wrong? When was Alec going to grow tired of him? Like so many of his previous lovers had. Hearing Alec say that with the soul sword in his hands just made it that much easier to permanently lock that part of his brain away.   
"That's enough!" He heard the girl, Amelia? Maybe, call out. She walked straight up to the man and stared him straight in the eyes.  
"What the actual hell is your problem?" She yelled. Magnus was surprised at just how intimidating the small woman was.  
"What are you on about?" The man sounded absolutely confused, and Magnus had to fight the urge to laugh.  
"How dare you say that to him? You've just heard what he's been through and you accuse him of cheating on his boyfriend? Seriously what the heck is wrong with you?"   
"He's probably just made it! He's probably lying!" He yelled back.  
Amelia gave him such a deadpan stare that, if not for the situation, he's sure Alec would've appreciated.  
"He's holding the fucking soul sword you idiot! You know what? Leave. I'll handle all the questions, just leave. Now." She commanded, leaving no room for objection.   
"Thank God. I can't stand to be in the same room with that fag anyway." He slurred before walking to the door and slamming it open. Once he had left, Amelia turned to Alec and gave him a shaky smile.  
"I'm so sorry, Alec. If I knew he was going to be like that I never would've let him ask the questions, I swear. Is it OK to finish now or would you like a break?" She asked, her voice was so sincere and soft Alec couldn't help but be put at ease.   
"I'd umm. Is that OK?" He asked hesitantly. She only smiled and motioned him down, asking him to gently place the soul sword down. When Alec wasn't looking, Magnus snapped them all a cup of coffee, with a little milk and sugar as he didn't know how Amelia took hers.  
"I don't suppose you'll introduce yourself?" Magnus asked. He was grateful she got that ass out of the room but he still didn't fully trust her. A small tinge of read painted her cheeks and she gave an embarrassed smile.  
"I'm sorry about that. My name's Amelia Lockhart. I was asked to come to witness and record down the interview."   
"I.. thanks for... Umm. Asking him to leave." Alec said, staring intently at the packets of sugar.  
"He shouldn't have treated you like that. There's nothing wrong with being with a downworlder or someone of the same gender. I don't understand why people can't just get that." She said helplessly.  
"Really? Do you have a girlfriend or something?" Alec asked, unused to anyone other than his siblings being this accepting.  
"No. But I don't have to be LGBT to know what's right and what's wrong. I support animal rights, it doesn't make me a bloody alpaca." She said. Both Alec and Magnus laughed at that, Alec's shoulders finally slumped a little, the tension slowly bleeding out.   
"Whenever your ready to carry on just let me know OK? I don't mind how long you need, honestly. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you." She said, giving him a sympathetic smile. Alec found himself smiling back. They sat and chatted for another half hour, keeping to safe topics like favourite books and family. When Alec was ready he got back up on the raised platform and took the soul sword in his hands once again.   
"Magnus, could you serve as our witness please?" Amelia asked.  
"Of course." He responded without hesitation, smiling at Alec.  
"Ok," Amelia began, "can you tell me the name of the other man who was there?"   
"Tez." Alec said, keeping his eyes firmly on the wall.  
"Now this is going to be hard to hear, and I'm sorry, we spoke to Tez, and he said he wasn't aware you hadn't consented." Amelia said slowly.  
"What?"  
"He said he thought it was a planned out BDSM scene. Apparently, Daniel told him you knew what the safe word was, and that is was the only way to stop the scene."  
"No." Alec said. He must've known. He must have. Alec blatantly refuses to believe anything else, because... Because what? Alec questions himself. Why couldn't he just believe that.   
"No. No he... No NO NO NO stop! No no no..." Alec kept on repeating himself, his breathing had become fast and erratic and his eyes seemed unfocused. He dropped the sword and started to pace, his hands finding their way to his hair and tugging on them so hardly Magnus winced.   
"Alexander I need you to look at me." He said calmly, moving forward to his boyfriend. He made eye contact with Amelia and silently nodded to the door, asking for a moment. She nodded back and left immediately, something Magnus was extremely grateful for.  
"Baby I need you to look at me." He repeated, moving his hands to place them on his boyfriend's elbows.   
"Ok, darling breathe with me. I need you to copy me ok?"   
Magnus over dramatised his breathing, drawing in long breathe and holding for four seconds, before slowly exhaling. It didn't seem to be working, however, Alec kept breathing far to fast and Magnus feared that if he continued he'd pass out. In one last attempt, he dropped his glamour and pulled Alec's face up so their eyes could meat. Personally, he'd never seen the appeal of his eyes. He'd always hated them, bit for some reason Alec loved them. Magnus would never know why.   
"That's it, angel. Deep breaths."   
It took another ten minutes for Alec's breathing to become under control, but Magnus didn't mind.  
"I.. I cant... I don't know... W-why I cant be-believe he didn't know. He he-helped him. He helped him... Do wh-what he d-did and I hate him so much. I can't- I NEED to hate him." Alec said, burying his face into Magnus' neck once again, finding it a great source of comfort.   
"It's ok. We'll figure it out ok? Don't worry sweetheart."   
But Magnus knew he was lying. He had no idea what to do, he didn't know wether to believe him or not, and, since warlocks couldn't be tried by the soul sword, he could never be sure he was getting the truth anyway. He'd just have to see what happens, but for now, for now he just pulls Alec closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: who knows? Any suggestions? Maybe some sibling bonding, or more make fluff, or the verdict for tez? really not sure


	12. Chapter 12

The light tapping on the door broke Alec and Magnus out of their own little bubble. They were sitting together on the couch, just cuddling, and watching TV, waiting for Jace and Izzy to arrive. It took a fair amount of persuading, but Alec eventually agreed to spend some time with his siblings. Of course, he had a few conditions to the agreement. It had to be t Magnus' loft, nowhere else. They wouldn't talk about what had happened, no matter what. Jace and Izzy where also not to mention Brooklyn 99, as Alec and Magnus hadn't seen the final few episodes of season 4 and didn't want any spoilers. Regrettably, Magnus lifted Alec's legs of his lap so he could go and answer the door. His boyfriend pouted but didn't say anything else about the matter, instead deciding to straighten out his top and flatten his hair down.  
Bright smiles greeted the pair as the door opened to reveal Izzy and Jace, each itching to spend some time with their older brother.  
This was something Magnus knew all the Lightwood siblings needed. After the mess in the conference room, Alec had sprinted out the door, straight past his siblings who were waiting for them. Magnus was content to give him some space, Angels knew he needed it, until he saw where Alec was running. Of course it would be the roof of the institute, no doubt he would have his bow and quiver, shooting off arrows until his arm was an unrecognizable mess of blood and skin. Magnus had chased after him and grabbed his arm to stop him running up the steps. He should've known that was a bad idea, as not two seconds later he was pressed up against the wall, a panicked Alexander staring right at him but not really seeing him. He'd managed to get him to let go, and insisted they go straight back to the loft. Izzy, having seen the whole encounter, asked if she could come too, just to make sure her brother was safe, but Alec had refused, standing behind Magnus and shaking his head, not meeting her eyes. That has been a few days ago, and he knew his boyfriends brother and sister were worried, so he sat down with Alec and asked him to just try one evening with them. After a few more minuets of convincing, he'd finally agreed. Which led them there,at the front of Magnus door, right on time. Magnus stepped back slowly, bowing his head slightly in greeting and opening the door wider for them to enter. After taking up their usual spots, Jace on the single chair, Alec and Magnus on the couch and Izzy on the floor near the coffee table, Jace looked over at his parabatai and cracked a wide grin, yelling, "Who's up for party games?"  
Alec groaned, pushing his face into Magnus' shoulder, who chuckled.  
"Whats wrong, big bro? Party games are the best." Izzy said.  
"No they're not, Jace always gets far to into it and keeps complaining for days, you always end up drunk as shit, and need Magnus to portal you home, who ends up exhausted and falling straight on me, then i have to haul his heavy ass to bed. So no. No I do not enjoy party games." Alec replied.  
"You think i'm heavy?" Magnus asked, pouting. Alec leaned over a placed a soft kiss on Magnus' puckered lips, before saying, "Not at all"  
"Yuck!" Jace screamed, "Stop being so in love its making me nauseous."  
"Please Alec, just a few" Izzy said, tilting her head to the side and widening her eyes, doing her best to give him the puppy dog eyes.  
"I think it would be a great idea, darling. can we?" Magnus asked, also giving him a wide eyed stare.  
"OK." Alec said, he'd agree to anything when Magnus looked at him like that. He heard and outraged cry from across the room, and turned to see Izzy staring at Magnus, fake anger written all over her face.  
"How did you do that? even with my best stare theirs no guarantee hell listen, and one look from you and he's putty in your hands? That's so not fair." Izzy declared. Jace leaned over to her, and stage whispered, "Its called being whipped."  
"Just one game," Alec said sternly, "and no alcohol."

Five games and many, many drinks later, everyone was giggling, playing a game of truth or dare.  
"Al-EC" Jace said, hiccuping half way through. "Truth or the other one?" he asked.  
"Truth." Alec said, swaying slightly in his intoxicated state.  
"Was it you who drew the duck on my wall when we were 15?"   
"Noooooo." Alec drawled, laughing slightly.  
"OK."

At around 4 in the morning, everyone has crashed out. Alec and Magnus fell asleep curled up together on the couch, Alec's snores filling the loft. Magnus woke up when he felt a small presence at his feet. He lifted his head slowly and saw Chairman Meow sitting near his heels. He was about to reach up to pet his feline when he was reminded of Alec, perched happily on the side of his chest. Trying to be as gentle as possible, he nudged Alec's arm , attempting to wake him up without fully dislodging him. After a few minuets of small prods, Alexander finally opened his eyes. Magnus felt his chest tighten when he felt his boyfriend tense up and immediately dart his eyes around, surveying the loft. When his eyes finally landed on Magnus, all tension bled out his shoulders, and he slumped back down, burrowing his head into Magnus' neck.  
"Are you OK, darling?" Magnus asked.  
"Yesterday was great, even though i feel like i have a nest of demons in my head." He mumbled, the words barely reaching Magnus.  
"You know we are going to need to talk about whats happening with Tez?" Magnus gently prodded, moving up slightly so he could properly look down at his Shadowhuunter.  
"Of course, just not yet." Alec said.  
"Ok, sweetie. whenever you're ready."  
A slight hiss brought Magnus attention away from his sleepy boyfriend and to his cat, who was clearly unhappy with the divided attention. Magnus snapped his fingers and the Chairman's bowl was re-filled. He almost laughed when his cat leaped of the couch and to the kitchen.  
"It was good. I miss spending time with them. even at the institute theirs always a problem to be sorted, reports to be filed or weapons to be cleaned. I haven't seen them this happy in ages. Even if they were drunk out of their minds." Alec said, and Magnus just smiled, giving a small hum so Alec knew he had been listening. Magnus pulled Alec up further in his arms, kissing his hair.  
"Go back to sleep, baby." He said, resting his head back against the arm of the couch, content to just lay there while his boyfriend used him as a human cushion.  
"Ok..." Alec mumbled, already falling back asleep.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec returns to the institute, but things don't go smoothly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally another chapter! Sorry for any mistakes 
> 
> Also- thankyou everyone who has suggested ways for this story to develop, I really appreciate the help :)

Jace had honestly thought it would be good for Alec. He realises now that hand to hand sparing that usually end in someone being pinned to the ground isn't the best activity to engage in with someone who was raped only a week and a half ago. He woindered why Alec didn't refuse, tell him it was a bad idea. When his parabatai came to the institute that morning, he thought getting back into old habits would be good for Alec, give him some comfort. He feels so, so stupid now.

Magnus groaned as his boyfriend moved out of bed. His own personal body warmer had yanked the covers off and was slowly making his way to the draw to get clothes. He didn't sleep in boxers like he used to, now in a short sleeved top, sometimes long sleeved if his anxiety is bad, and sweatpants. Magnus never questioned the change, and even took to wearing some silk pants when he slept, just to make sure his angel was comfortable.  
"Alexander." Magnus whined.  
"What Magnus?" He replied with a fond smile on his face, knowing his boyfriend was about to start complaining.  
"Why do you have to leave so early?" He moaned, bringing a hand up to wipe at his sleep filled eyes. Alec pursed his lips before answering. To be honest, Magnus should've been glad. Since the night he told Magnus exactly what happened he had never left Magnus company. Small things like going to the toilet, or getting a drink from the kitchen were ok, but when Magnus so much as mentioned leaving the apartment or Alec going to the institute, his boyfriend would grab hold of his hand or waist and begin to panic. Just the thought of his boyfriend not being with him sent Alec into a full on panic attack, something he absolutely hated, but had no control over. He didn't know what was going on with him, he'd never really been all that clingy. Magnus had noticed, of course he had, and spoke to him about it, saying it would likely pass. He said that temporary separation anxiety was fairly common for people who had been subject to some kind of trauma, either a bank robbery, a gun shootout or a rape. Alec still hated it though, hated being such a burden on his boyfriend, despite the fact Magnus had assured him he wasn't.  
"Mother and Father are coming back from Idris in a week, I want to be comfortable enough around the area without you with me. You shouldn't have to listen to all their bigotry all day." Alec said, finally fishing out a pair of black jeans and a short sleeved black top.  
'Todays a good day' Magnus thought offhandedly.  
"Are they still making comments like that about you, sweetheart?"  
"Not as much. A few comments about downworlders here and there but nothing like what it was." He assured him.  
"Ok. Promise you'll call me if you need me, or even if you just wanna talk for a bit, ok? I only have one client today and they're just picking up a potion."  
Alec simply nodded and made his way to the bathroom to get changed, something else Magnus accepted with no questions.

Alec declined Magnus' offer to make a portal, magic still unsettling him quite a bit. He took the subway, something that wasn't really all that better. He had to remember all the breathing exercises Magnus talked taught him not to throw his hidden seraph dagger at anyone who accidentally touched him. The worst was by far the man who full on rammed into him whilst getting of at his stop. He went through the box method a couple times to keep himself in check. It was a personal favourite of his, Magnus taught it to him one night when he woke up from such a vivid nightmare he couldn't see he was in Magnus' room. His boyfriend had tried to reach an arm out to calm him down, but it just made it worse. He told him about something someone from England had taught him a while back: Breathe in for 4, imagine a line going upwards, hold for 4, imagine the line moving across horizontally, breathe out for 4, imagine the line moving downwards, and hold for 4 again, imagine the line moving horizontally again, but in the opposite direction and connecting up with the rest of the square, then repeat. It worked extremely well for him, so he used it to calm himself down.

He arrived at the institute to see Jace and Izzy waiting for for him, both smiling brightly. Too brightly.  
"What's wrong?" He immediately asked. Izzy sighed, annoyed they got caught out so soon. She glanced over at Jace and tried to communicate through eye contact. Her adoptive brother just huffed and nodded, giving Izzy permission to tell him.  
"We sent shadowhunters to go talk to Daniel Miller," Alec was very proud he didn't outwardly flinch at the name,"obviously they did speak to him but they... failed to bring him into custody."  
Alec stood completely still, not looking at them but at the bricks of the institute wall. He was still out there. His rapist was still out there. He could come for him at anytime. He couldn't stop him. He...  
"ec? Alec? It's ok... Just." Jace said, not knowing what to say to his parabatai. Izzy went to reach out to grab his hand, but clearly thought better of it.  
"It's ok." Alec finally managed to say.  
"Don't worry about it. As long as someone finds him I don't care."  
"How about we spar?" Jace blurted out, knowing it made him feel better if he was upset.  
"Sure." Alec replied, knowing Jace wanted some semblance of normal. He could handle some sparing... Right? It was fine.  
"Yeah, ok. I'll make you guys some food!" Izzy exclaimed happily, looking forward to doing something for her brother. Alec forced a smile on his face, not wanting to let on how absolutely terrible her cooking was. He could swear she was capable of giving someone food poisoning from a cheese sandwich.  
"That'd be awesome,Izzy. Thanks." She smiled at him, then walked back into the institute, headed for the kitchen.  
"Order Chinese?" Jace asked.  
"I was thinking pizza."

It was an hour later Jace and Alec were putting their staffs down, Jace wanting to go hand to hand, so caught up in the playful banter they were engaging in to consider how Alec would react. Alec obviously agreed. Jace was happy, he wanted to go hand to hand so that was ok. He would be fine, he could manage. Jace leapt forward, aiming a punch around Alec's shoulder, which he dodged easily. He tried again, going for his stomach this time, on to have Alec dip out of the way again. It continued like that for a minute, Jace throwing punches and kicks, only to have Alec scurry out of his way. He got tired of this pretty quickly, so he lunged onto Alec tackling him down to the mat. He grabbed his wrists and pinned them above his head, just like he'd done many times before, only this time Alec's didn't grin and throw out a sarcastic jab. All the colour drained from his face, his eyes grew glassy, his breathing became erratic, a look of pure terror crossed his face.

As soon as Jace pulled his wrists up and pinned them, he was back in that room. With unwanted hands roaming all over his body, with someone whispering in his ear and someone laughing. He couldn't breathe, it felt like everything was closing in on him. He scrambled back, hitting the wall. He still couldn't breathe. He didn't hear Jace cursing, or calling Magnus. Nor did he hear the sound of a portal opening, or his boyfriend approaching him. All he could hear was their voices, taking up all the room in his mind.

Magnus was lounging in the kitchen, feeding some of his strays when hee heard his phone going of. He figured Alexander just wanted to talk to him, have a small conversation maybe, so when he answered the phone he said, "Alexander dear. What can I-" , but was cut short by Javed voice saying, "Magnus portal here now! Alec's- he's freaking out. I don't know what to do! He won't answer me and he's breathing really fast and-"  
Magnus was already moving moving his hands in a circular motion, creating a portal to the institute. When he found his boyfriend his heart shattered just a little bit more, he was pressed against the wall of the training room, eyes unfocused and chest rising and falling far too quickly. His ebony hair was matted to his face and the eyes he so adored were clouded over. He ran forward, not bothering to acknowledge Jace at all, and knelt down beside his angel.  
"Alec. I need you to listen to me. Copy my breathing, ok?"  
He over exaggerated taking in a deep breath, then slowly letting it go, slumping his shoulders so Alec could see the falling motion. It wasn't working, Alec still wasn't seeing him, his breathing hadn't changed at all. He snapped his fingers and a square appeared Infront of his boyfriend, as well as a small number counting up from 1 to 4. As the numbers changed a dot followed the line of the square upwards, then across, then down again, and then back across to the starting corner. He kept the dot moving until his lover was breathing normally. As soon as he came back to himself he looked up at Magnus, then pushed himself into his chest, digging his head into Magnus' neck.  
"I'm sorry Magnus. I'm sorry. I didn't want you to have to leave your work, I'm sorry."  
"It's ok baby. Don't worry. How about we go home for now ok? You can take a shower and we'll stick on some film and play a card game ." Magnus said, instantly soothing his lover. He helped him stand up, noticing how shaky he seemed. His hand that wasn't gripping Alec's waist went up to create a portal back to the loft. Gently, he told Alec to go through and wait for him. As soon as he was sure his boyfriend was out of earshot, he turned to Jace.  
"What the hell happened?" He growled, all his anger directed at the guilty looking blonde who was absentmindedly rubbing his thumb across his hand.  
"We were just sparing and... And I- he freaked out when I pinned him to the ground. I didn't think it would..." Before he could continue Magnus stalked up to him, leaning right into face as he spat out," Of Couse you weren't fucking thinking. You know he would never say no to you, and the one thing you asked him to do was engage in a type of training you knew would end up with him pinned on the floor. Did it not occur to you at any point that being pinned down might bring up some unpleasant memories?! That's exactly what that warlock did whilst he was violating him! Why the fuck did you think that would be ok? Oh wait, " his tone turned sweet, a fake pleasantness he'd perfected over the centuries he'd been alive bleeding in, " you didn't think, did you? Well at least, not about your brother."  
Jace stood there with his mouth opened wide. He knew it was true, he'd suggested the activity that always made HIM feel better, not something like archery or weights that Alec preferred. God he was so stupid. 

Magnus didn't say anything else, just turned and walked through the portal, sighing and rubbing the bridge of his nose. He knew he wasn't being fair to Jace, but he didn't have the energy to care. Soft snores drew his attention and he smiled slightly seeing his boyfriend asleep of the couch. They could talk about this in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Trouble is caused by some certain photo's.
> 
> (Not sure how to write this or how to play it out, so any suggestions appreciated C:)


End file.
